RESPONSIBLE FOR ORIGIN OF LIFE HERE ON EARTH
The search for the origin of life is important.
If it can be discovered, the knowledge will help give us
a deeper understanding of ourselves and may answer the burning
question: does life exist elsewhere besides here on earth?
Now presented here for the first time, hard evidence
on the origin of life has finally been seen and authorized
by the discoverer himself, Yimmi Tucker; scientist and head
of the Yoop Research Lab (located in the basement of Woody’s
bar, Ishpeming, MI), in collaboration with scientist friends
from the National Mine area of Ishpeming.
Yimmi Tucker explains
that the origin was discovered while testing out his
homemade atomic force microscope. Yimmi explains;
“Da smallest ting that yous can see wit a ‘light’
microscope is about 500 nanometers. Da nanometer is
one-billionth of a meter, about 200 times smaller
den da width of a hair. Bacteria germs are about 1000
nanometers big. Dat’s a whopper next to a nanometer,
eh! Da reason nuttin smaller can be seen wit da light
microscopes is because dey use light. Yous don’t
tink about light as having a size, but see-able light
is about 500-800 nanometers. To eyeball anyting smaller
yous need a pretty much more powerful microscope.
Electron microscopes eyeball tings using electrons
instead of light. Electrons are pretty much a lot
smaller den da wavelength of visible light, so a lot
smaller tings can be seen wit dese real good electron
Carbon Nanaotube - Atomic force
But, da world’s
most powerful microscopes don’t eyeball tings
wit light or even electrons. Dey see tings by feeling
dem up, don’t cha know; feeling dem up wit a
pretty sharp tip on da end of dis ting dat looks like
I put carbon nanotubes on da end to make
dat bugger even sharper. I made a tip so sharp dat
it’s only a few atoms wide. It’s so sharp
dat as it is moves across someting it feels its shape.
Dis ting is called da Atomic Force
Microscope, because it can see stuff
by da forces between atoms. I made mine wit stuff
I found at da dump don't cha know.
So anyway, wit da AFM you can see stuff as
small as a strand of DNA or even just individual atoms
you bet! I told my buddy Amos dat he should get his
woman one a dese so she can use it to find his wiener!
HA HAAA! But seriously, dis ting is state of dat art.
There aint nuttin' more better when it comes to eye-ballin'
da absolute smallest of stuff a lot a little bit!
Yimmi's buddy Amos
So, one day I’m bored and I taught I’d
look at my buddy Amos’s DNA. I asked him, he
said no, so I jabbed him wit a sterilized fork to
extract a sample. He screamed and almost spilt his
jumbo! I placed da sample under da scope, sat back
wit a cold brew and began my research. I wasn't
expectin’ to find much, other den proof dat
Amos was more of a chimp den human, ha haaa!.
But, as I focused da scope, I choked in amazement!
I told Amos to get his butt over here to confirm what
I was seeing. He saw it too. Not only was I seeing
a double helix single strand of DNA, I was also seeing
da words “MADE IN CHINA,” stamped in gold
molecules on da back.
Before I could get a word out, Amos yelled “YOUR
NEXT” and jabbed me wit da same fork. I screamed
in pain, den told him dat da fork needed to be sterilized
first. So, he wiped it on his sleeve den jabbed me.
Da end results were da same. My DNA sample also stated
“MADE IN CHINA.”
sample of Yimmi's unlinked DNA. The red box is enlarged
in the next photo
same sample showing enlarged area
Since den every life form I’ve
researched features dis stamp. Boy, we all know dat those
Chinese make a lotta stuff, but I never would’a guessed
dat dey started life! I submited my feces or whatever dat I wrote on my discovery to be published and crap, so I should win dat Noble prize or someting like dat
for dis, eh! Beside, no one's more noble den me you bet!” -Yimmie Tucker
In the weeks since Tucker's work, many variants
of his procedure have been tried. He has published papers
on his work and submitted them to top Universities for further
research and review.
He now awaits the inevitable praise from his colleges
and also the expected debates with the critics.
“When I win dat Noble prize and dey see me on da cover
of dat Scientific Americans, den de'll all know I aint no
rummy! Dat will learn ‘em!”
Story by Jim Bellmore