| General
Tips
1.
Never take a beer to a job interview
2.
Alaways identify people in your yard before shooting them
3.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church
4.
If you have to vacume the bed, it's time to change the sheets
5.
Even if you are certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home
Dining
Out
1.
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of
the vine
2.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label
Entertaining
In Your Home
1.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist
2.
Do not allow the dog to eat from the table - no matter how good
his manners are
Personal
Hygiene
1.
While ears need to be cleared regularly, this is not a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deoderant is a waste of good money
3.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste
of finger foods
Dating
(Outside The Family)
1.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date
2.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
waiting to go out with you since I read the stuff on the bathroom
wall two years ago"
3.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get
her to school on time
Theater
Etiquette
1.
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended
2.
Refrain from talking to charecters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you
Weddings
1.
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift
2.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot
3.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund
and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance
4.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes
for this special occasion
Driving
Etiquette
1.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicals; even if the gun
is loaded and the deer is in sight
2.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehical with the largest
tires always has the right of way
3.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape
4.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer too
5.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
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