1. Q. How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb? 
A. None; the piano player can do that with his left hand. 

2. Q. How many bass players does it take to
change a light bulb? 
A. 1...5...1... 

3. Q. Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car? 
A. He had to break the window to get the drummer out! 

4. Q. How do you make a bass player turn down the volume? 
A. Put a chart in front of him. 

5. Q. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? 
A. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand. 
B. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice. 
C. One, but the guitarist has to show him first. 
D. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. 

6. Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? 

7. Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a bass player?
A. About half a beat. 

8. Another little boy finally convinces his parents to get him a bass. After his first lesson his daddy asks how the lesson went. "Great, " says the little boy, "I learned all the notes in first position on the E string." For the next week he practiced E, F, F#, G, Ab. After the second week his daddy asks how the lesson went. "Great, " says the little boy, "I learned all the notes in first position on the A string." For the next week he practiced A, Bb, B, C, C#. After the third week his daddy asks how the lesson went. "I had to skip the lesson, man," he says, "I got a call about a gig."

1. Q. How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? 
A. Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better. 

2. Q. What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? 
A. Counterpoint. 

3. Q. What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth? 
A. The stage is level.

4. Q. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common. 
A. Both suck when you plug them in. 

5. Q. How can you tell a guitarist is walking behind you?
A. You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

6. Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer? 
A. Give him some sheet music. 

7. Q. What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? 
A. He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. 

8. Q. What's the best thing to play on a guitar? 
A. Solitaire. 

9. Q. In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source? 
A. Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

10. Q. How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune?
A. Evidently all of them.

13. Q. What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage ?
A. The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

14. Q. What do you throw to a drowning guitar player?
A. His amp.

15. Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? 
A. None--they just steal somebody else's light. 
 

1. Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A drummer.

2. Q. What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

3. Q. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. They have machines to do that now.

4. Q: What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit? 
A: "Will the defendant please rise." 

5. Q. How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
A. The knock gets faster.

6. Q. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? 
A. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. 
B. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you 
         have to turn the bulb). 
C. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
D. None. They have a machine to do that.

7. Q. Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses? 
A. So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

8. Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

9. Q: Where do you hide things from drummers? 
A: Under the soap. 

10. A little boy says to his father, "Daddy, when I grow up I'm going to be a drummer". "Sorry, son," says his father, "...you can't do both..."

11. Q. How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
A. You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

12. Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven - one to hold the bulb and six to drink until the room spins.

13. Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a puppy?
A. The puppy will stop whining after a couple of months.

14. Q. Why is a drummer like a skud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

15. Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A. With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

16. "A drummer is a musician's best friend." 

17. Q. "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
A. "Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
 

1. Q. What's the first thing a musician says at work? 
A. "Would you like fries with that?" 

2. Q. What do you call a musician without a significant other? 
A. Homeless. 

3. Q. Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock? 
A. Because most shops close by six thirty. 

4. Q. What would a musician do if he won a million dollars? 
A. Continue to play gigs until the money ran out. 

5. Q. What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver? 
A. The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses. 

6. The stages of a Band's (musician's) life: 
A. Who is "Union Pacific?" 
B. Get me "Union Pacific."
C. Get me someone who sounds like "Union Pacific."
D. Get me a young "Union Pacific." 
E. Who is "Union Pacific?"

7. There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either. 

         MUSICAL OBSERVATIONS: 

1. "The Backstreet Boys music is better than it sounds." 

   2. Q. What's the difference between a musician and a bond? 
A. Eventually a bond matures and earns money. 

3. Q. How do you get a musician off of your front porch ?
A. Pay for the pizza.

4. Q. What do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
A. Homeless ..

5. Q. Why bury musicians 6 feet under?
A. Because deep down they're all very nice people..
 

              SOUND MAN

Q: What's the difference between a soundman and God? 
A: God doesn't think he's a soundman. 
 
 

        "THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY" 

-We can fix it in the mix 
-I'm sure it will work 
-It sounds in tune to me 
-Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall 
-I know your mic is on I checked it myself 
-The roadie took care of it 
-Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo 
-The stage mix sounds just like the program mix 
-The club will provide the PA and lights 
-We'll have it ready by tonight 
-It's on the truck 
-There'll be lots of roadies when you get there 
-It's totally compatible with your current program -You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck 
 

1. Q. How many female vocalists does it take to sing the song "Crazy"? (by Willie Nelson, made famous by Patsy Cline)
A. All of them.
 

2. Q. What´s the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist. 
 

1. Q. How many music critics does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Music critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it!
 

2. Q. How many music critics does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They work in the dark.
 

3. Music critics are like eunuchs: they know exactly how it ought to be done. 

4. Q. Why are music critics' columns bad choices to line the bottom of a bird cage?
A. It's too hard to distinguish the droppings from the writing.

 5. Q. What do you get if you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A. You would get a bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.

 6. Q. What do you get if you cross a music critic?
A. A bad review. 

1. Never start a trio with a married couple. 

2. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary. 

3. No one cares who you've opened for. 

4. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important". 

5. When you talk on stage you are never funny. (unless your a comedy group).

6. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?") 

7. Asking a crowd 'how they're doing' is just amplified small talk. Don't do it. 

8. Never name a song after your band. 

9. Never name your band after a song. 

10. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser. 

11. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc. 

12. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows. 

13. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet. 

14. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for. 

15. Yes we can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas. 

16. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them? 

17. Things that are never coming back: 
a) gongs, 
b) headbands, and 
c) playing guitar with a mic stand, a beer bottle or your teeth.