Da Yooper's "Definition Of Farts"
| THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting
for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a
crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice
has farted an Anticipated Fart. |
| THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles.
It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed
by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its
odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car.
And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat? |
| THE BARN OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in
identifying this fart. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes
in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have
heard the rare Barn Owl Fart. |
| THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic
is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have
snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common
following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans. |
| THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart
in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment.
Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor
recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and
let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions. |
| THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to
the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can
see no point in describing this fart any further. |
| THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful.
The farter is usually on the fat side, and will squirm and push their butt
way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out
a fart very carefully without moving. Some odor may escape, but usually
not much. |
| THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. Itís
a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification
fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody
else expected to fart but didnít. It is the most private of all farts.
In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed. |
| THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified.
It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand
Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned
fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like
an echo. |
| THE G AND L FART: If you have not already guessed, G and L stands
for Gambled and Lost. The farter ends up running for the toilet in total
shock to scrape his or her leg.One of the most embarrassing of all farts. |
| THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed
to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty
house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist
that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something
that happens to smell like a fart. |
| THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old ladyís fart.
What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all
at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will
usually pat her chest and say, ìMy, my," or ìWell, well." There is no reason
she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old personís fart
as there is. |
| THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks,
smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually
a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether
pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart
in the World Fart. |
| THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted
on the john. If it is all the personís trip to the john amounted
to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons. |
| THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped
ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that
goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed
altogether as a fart. |
| THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: This fart happens only after
eating malted milk balls. Odor alone is diagnostic and positively
identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other
food works this way, it is rare. |
| THE BURGER KING "ONION RINGS" FART: Like the MALTED MILK BALL
FART, this fart happens only after eating Burger King Onion Rings. The
fart produced has the exact same odor as fresh, hot from the micro wave
Onion Rings from the King. |
| THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking
of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the
Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first
want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable. |
| THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart.
About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He
will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to
spot if you pay attention. |
| THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart.
The person who fails an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food
he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even
ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may
smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with
him. He is doing what he thinks is best. |
| THE QUIVER FART: When you fart, the fart quivers. If it
tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it
is the Scratchass Fart. |
| THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding
name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening
to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most
diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting
fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though
he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart,
it goes on for at least fifteen seconds. |
| THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor donít matter on this one. What
matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted.
Some people will even say, ìWow, what a reliefí. Very common. |
| THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts
known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of
its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It
will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some
instances. |
| THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible
for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty
Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been
oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts. |
| THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for "Silent But Deadly."
This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of
identification with this one. |
| THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not
amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch,
it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common. |
| THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter.
Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw
ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too
common. |
| THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim
it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom
Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous.
No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could
do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off |
| THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It
is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at
all. |
| THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is
a very funny fart. It is a fart that canít seem to get going. The sound
is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-poppop-POW! It is usually
a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets
farted after considerable effort. |
| THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied
than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up (Sometimes hours
or even a day). But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too,
even on a windy day. |
| THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at
all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at
all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind
is right he will never know. |
| THE THANK GOD IíM ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart.
You look around after you have farted and say Thank God Iím alone. Then
you get out of there. |
| THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to
identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this
is the fart for you! |
