COUNTRY DON'T NEED NO PRESIDENT
Sent in by Clarence Norr.
My whole life, back to when I was just a little
tyke, I remember dis country gettin’ all worked up
every four years wit dis whole rigmarole of trying to elect
a president. Dere’s always trouble, no one’s
happy and it goes like dis: We elect some gomer and everyting
goes to heck. And den after all dat we go through da same
crap again! If dere was somtin’ wrong wit da last
President, why elect a new one! We made da same mistake
43 times already and still aint learned nuttin!
So, here we go again, eh. Da national
parties narrow down da primary fields to select a dope dey
hope da broadest cross-section of Americans will like, I
tink da presidency itself is da real problem, lets change
it! Tink a little bit. Has dere ever not been a president?
Negatory pard. Not since we drew da Constitution and made
ourselves as a democratic republic, anyhow, and dat's more
den enough time to see dat presidents don’t do America
Look at da worst tings in U.S. history—Vietnam,
the Great Depression, Prohibition. Every time we had some
president manning da oars. Who signed all da crappy bills
into law? Da president. Who’s always in charge when
da whitetail population falls? Man, I tell ya, look at every
jumbo crisis, flu epidemic, times of civil strife, and who’s
been lazin’ dere in da Oval place? Dat damn president.
Dat’s just da truth I’m telling,’ to bad
if ya don’t like it.
Here’s a few tings off the da bat
dat we need more better den a president: cheaper beer, cheaper
health care, no spam e-mail, more jobs and longer lunch
breaks, peace in the Middle of da East, and some hot secretary
babe wit big knockers to organize all dat. Has any president
gotten us dat yet? Getting cheaper beer and gas prices is
more important den puttin’ in some stooge who accumulates
a majority of da electoralical votes. Try it once, eh! Put
Hillary, Micane, and Cheap beer on da ballot, and den see
a vice president and a speaker of da House more den
I heard dat doing da same ting over and over
wit out fixin' nothing is da definition of insanity.
Dat’s what we’re doin’! Picking
presidents to serve out terms of office, run da federal
government, and act like a commander-in-chief of da
armed forces, again and again and again. We tink we
have to do dis but we don’t, eh! Last time I
checked, my favorite show Sanford and Son was still
on TV, da garbage was getting picked up every Thursday,
da snow plow came by, I had running water and my telephone
was working, all witout dat highest elected Prez guy
even getting his butt outta his lazy-boy. See!
Aint a vice president and a speaker of da House more
Most of yous can’t
see dis place wit out a president, we always had one, But
ask dis to yourself: Does your horseshoe team have a president?
Bet it aint. And is it any worse den our country? Nope.
Den before you get all rallied up over my idea, tink about
da worst day of your life, and remember dat a president
was supposed to be leading da country dat day.
Story by Jim Bellmore