MAN AN EXPERT ON WHAT WOMEN HATE
self-confessed expert on women, 36-year-old Houghton resident
Dick Wood says he knows intuitively what women hate.
"Play da cards right tonight, don’t
show your best cards first, eh," Wood advised friend
Marvin Jarvinin last Friday before a date. "Let me
tell ya, babes don't like when you come on strong, touchin’
dere butts and stuff a lot on da first date. So take ‘er
easy wit showin’ too much affection, ‘cause
it will backfire on ya."
Though Wood's friends never see him in the
company of women, they say he is an encyclopedia on babes
and is always eager to offer tips on the subject of what
"A few months ago, I was heading out to
a Redmen’s game with dis girl, when Wood suggested
I change my swampers to shoes," said Tim White, Wood
's friend and neighbor. "He said dat from his own experience,
women really hate swampers. He said dat when you wear swampers
on a date, it makes dem feel like dey're not good enough
for you to wear shoes, and dey probably won't party wit
you or nuttin’ again no matter how bad you beg."
Continued White: "Dis udder time, Wood
asked me what I was cookin’ for a babe I invited over
for supper. When I said I was making a handmade cuhdigy
and morel mushroom pizza, he flipped his lid. He kept gripin’
about how you should never have babes over for pizza ‘cause
dey get insulted. He said dat even if you order an excellent,
professionally made pizza from Little Caesar’s, dey
Other things Wood claims from experience
that babes hate: “dominatin' da conversation, tickling
there butts when dey have to pee real bad, ending every sentence
with "Just foolin’," coughin and not covering
your yap, comparing babes bodies to dose of porn stars,
and nicknaming babes you meet at bars "Little Miss
Hottie from Hottingham."
Even though Wood's expert opinion is usually
ignored, now and then his advice seems worthwhile.
"Dis one time, Wood told me babes hate when dudes play
air-guitar, especially to Ted Nugent," friend Ron Koski
said. "den, about a few days later, I was at dis bar
wit dis babe, and ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ came on
da jukebox and I instinctively started air-guitaring. I
taught da night went excellent, but she didn’t call
me after dat. I remember tinking maybe dat Wood friend a
mine was some kinda Einstein for true."
Despite being such an ‘Einstein’ on women, Wood
is currently single, deeming himself a "confirmed bachelor."
Most, however, believe Wood's being single is not a choice,
but the result of him not practicing what he preaches.
"Da most big ting to remember
is to act like you don’t care dat much,"
Wood says. "Don’t make ‘em uncomfortable
wit drooling and heavy breathing and stuff on da first
date, and at da same time show dat you’re a Romeo
but don’t show off."
seems to learn someting new everyday about what babes
"He’d probably snag a babe if he’d
do half da stuff he's always harping us to do,"
Koski said. "It’s like, hundreds of times
he told me dat babes hate guys who have bad breath.
Go take a whiff at his breath sometime. Smells like
a rotted garlic, ash-tray and Sardine filled dumpster."
"Wood seems to learn someting new
everyday about what babes hate," Jarvinin said.
"He’s truly is da master mind of da do's
and don't's of getting babes."
"Da most big ting to remember is
to act like you don’t care dat much," Wood
says. "Don’t make ‘em uncomfortable
wit drooling and heavy breathing and stuff on da first
date, and at da same time show dat you’re a
Romeo but don’t show off."
Where does the Romeo-wanna-be's usually
miss their mark? "Da big mistake dudes make is
hitting on a babe before dey got da hots for you,"
Wood says. His best advice: "What you tink is
a bad way to start a conversation is probably da most
bestest a lot."
suggesting helpfulness, generosity, cultural literacy and
wealth are usually rated favorably amongst most rated men,
Wood offered his advice on what he thinks are the worst
and the best pickup lines to use:
Lines Wood claims from experience won’t
1. Didn't anyone tell you dat you wanted to sleep wit
me?!?! I taught you knew...
2. If we fell out of a boat, I bet I could use your giant jilk jazongas as a floatation device what's true!
3. Let's go to my place and do da things I'll tell everyone
we did anyhow.
4. Are you free tonight or will it cost me a lot and stuff?
5. You must have a mirror in your pocket ‘cause
I can see myself in your pants right now.
6. Congratulations! You have just been voted "Most
Beautiful babe in dis bar" and da grand prize is
night of doing it wit lil' ole me!
7. You can use my face as a seat... I mean, If you need to sit down...
8. I like your butt, can I use it as a pillow?
Lines Wood claims will work (though
he has yet to try them):
1. Hey...somebody farted. Let's get outta here and and pork somewhere once!
2. Your daddy must have been a baker, ‘cause you
gotta nice set a buns.
3. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're da only ten-I-see!
4. I can tell by da way you're ignoring me dat you want
5. I must have been a dump truck in da udder life 'cause tonight I need to dump a load!
6. If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
7. Do you work for da UPS? I could have bet I saw you
checking out my package.
8. Hey babe, I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is
to explore Uranus.
9. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold
10. I'd suck a fart out of your butt and hold it like
a bong hit if you can let me can't-cha?
11. If my pillow had a hole in it, I would pretend it's you and ride it like there aint any tomorrow!
Story by Jim Bellmore